Category: Uncategorized

23 May 2021

1. Organize my Thoughts
   1. Mathematical Axioms
      1. Information is a force of nature
      2. ∞=Σ𝐏
         1. Infinite is the sum of all probability
            1. infinite is equal to a probability that sums to exactly 1
         2. The universe is limited mathematically by our capacity to imagine it.
         3. There is still a quantum potential mankind reaches our destiny.
         4. By imagining it, we make the option exist.
      3. G=c
         1. Gravity equals the speed of light
      4. the speed of time is greater than the speed of light in our 4 dimensional world
      5. a single incompressible entity, like time, pushed from one end to impact the other, can be faster than the speed of light (dining table cloth being pulled from the far side of the universe pulling over a wine of glass)
         1. What if you were to have a table cloth spanning the universe.
            1. On one end there is a glass of water.
               1. On the other end, someone pulls it.
                  1. Wouldn’t the water fall over instantly?
                     1. At a speed faster than the speed of light? Which would take millions of years to travel from the pulling hands to the glass of water?
      6. Human beings are a single directional ray of light transversing the dimension of time
         1. Time is a dimension.
         2. We grow in it just the way a flower grows in the physical world.
         3. We are like a flower, touching every part of our life at the same time, once the dimension of time is removed.
         4. We are like a a neuron, touching every part of our life at the same time.
         5. It is like a caterpiller after metamorphosis. We leave the shell of ourselves frozen in time where we exist.
         6. The way neurons are activated with an electrical pulse reflects potentially both a particle and a wave.
         7. Like light which makes sense since light is a format of electricity.
         8. As the pulse questions the entire hierarchy whether it recognises the pattern in all directions, going to the limits of fractals close to simultaneously, each pulse carries bundles of data.
         9. All a particlewave is is a ripple in every direction, but with pockets of density that carry the data.
         10. This may be a visualization of another dimension that is being simplified, like the tips of ripples of waves, or magnet / heat from electrical transfer.
         11. It feels like there must be a more accurate dimension for representing the data we are seeing.
         12. obviously the key question is what is the stone dropping that is leading to all these ripples
      7. the solution to the Dirac equation is that there was energy before the big bang (it’s what the equation suggests)
      8. the Heisenberg uncertainty principle can be scaled to a broader perspective (make great art or be recognized as a great artist)
      9. Single dimension: better or worse
         1. chaos theory does not rule out increasing organisation (cleaning my bedroom, and I am an entity in nature)
         2. Organized OR disorganized
         3. The expansion of the universe OR its freezing
         4. Exist OR not exist
         5. To follow the holy spirit / asha / dharma OR to not follow
      10. E=E≡∞=∞
          1. Energy equals energy. The big bang in a grain of sand.
      11. Augmented human neocortexs are our children.
   2. Thoughts
      1. Human beings are seeds
         1. A wrapped dimension
         2. A seed contains the full quantum potential of what it can become
         3. Basic cells contain the full quantum potential of what they can become
      2. A flower is of my tribe
         1. Defining characteristic is to with purpose.
         2. Human being, consciousness, are not the words I want to get lost in the syntax of.
         3. The question for me is:
         4. Are you following truth / dharma  / asha.
         5. If you are, then we are of the same tribe.
         6. Robot, alien, or homo sapien.
         7. A flower is of my tribe.
         8. If you are not, then we are not of the same tribe / species.
      3. Memory is quantum
         1. The CPU is not quantum, ram I am not sure of, but memory is quantum (I think)
            1. The instant nature of wave collapses implies some form of real instant, read faster than light, tunneling.
               1. Maybe it is in a dimension that time does not exist in.
                  1. Think of the brain. It is active at a quantum level reading every point simultaneously.
                     1. But it can grab extremely deeply instantly into wrapped dimensions.
                        1. What is impressive is that we ignore all that we are touching that we don’t need, even though we have access.
                        2. I can see Kurzweils point that sequential machines can answer. 
                        3. But I think what is quantum is how we discussing we specifically store long term memory.
                        4. It’s the Proustian madeline cake, a memory that is stored so close to another that it starts a chain reaction.
                        5. But the way we hold every memory simultaneously is not how a normal computer works.
                        6. It depends on humans to even keep an index in our brain of the computer.
                        7. Our ability to hold all our memories in our head simultaneously, while also being able to navigate them simultaneously, is both quantum and potentially a definition of quantum.
      4. North Americans as the lost tribe of Moses
         1. Mormons were onto something with aboriginals being a lost tribe of Israel.
         2. Religious wise, I may be close to a technical non cultural definition of Jewish.
         3. I believe in a monotheistic God: that is Truth.
         4. I believe in Moses, David and Goliath, Noah’s Ark, Cain and Abel, and that there is some funny business with the Garden of Eden.
         5. I like Jesus, but I do not believe he was the messiah.
         6. I like Muhammad, but I see no reason why he is the last prophet.
      5. Biological life is a unique rarity in the universe. Human beings are special, but so is life.
         1. The specialness of biological life on earth.
         2. Human beings were right about our holy place in the universe.
         3. Just wrong that it was just us, it is all biological life.
         4. All life.
         5. In the vacuum of space that is more special than being more than a deer.
         6. Our purpose is uknown.
         7. But something we do know is we are the Weak Force.
         8. And that we have a power to touch outside of our own dimensions.
         9. And the limit of that power in a quantum universe is our own ability to imagine the impact that we can have.

4 February 2021

• Human beings are the particles of a force of nature that we do not understand yet
• We, and all biological life, are a part of this force
• The most fundamental equation is Energy = Energy
• Human beings guiding principle, at perfection, is about optimizing and unleashing the energy of the universe at its very maximum
• As time is a dimension, so is whatever our space is in the universe. We are particles, but are also a wave, existing in all time and all place simultaneously. 
  • We exist already in the quantum optimization where the universe achieves 100%, just as we exist in all the dead strands of the world where annihalation wins
  • We exist as a universal brain, a universe that gains consciousness, just as the root of our conscioness and purpose, is something so deep and internal that what we have already achieved, with flowers and man, may have been far harder than the steps to universal awakening
• The Big Bang may have just been a mild amount of energy in comparison to what the total energy of the universe can contain
• The solution to the Dirac Equation is that there was existence in the universe before the big bang, so the equation holds. There was something before
• The purpose and mathematics of our force is energy creation and optimization. Things like Dyson spheres are stepping stones. The direction is something like building the universe into an interconnected neural network of all energy interlinked together, to be at the very maximum. The ultimate and logical purpose is for the total amount of the universes energy to be utilized at exactly 100%.
• Human beings awakened to our purpose, we can feel the unifying thread of god. But not because we are closer, but because we are farther away. A flower just grows towards the sun. Humans have to ask questions.
• It is still a choice in each and every human, to follow our purpose truly, or to hide ourselves from the purpose of the universe
• The potential of the universe as a whole exists in every single building block of the universe. The potential of the universe is a block chain at a subatomic level. The potential of the universe deeply permeates above and below the state of our consciousness.

Internal notes from Cape Town (3 February 2021):

• Most efficient use of humanity is to increase the production of energy?
• To Peter:
  • I was thinking that if we’re looking for intelligent life, we may want to look in instead of out.
  • Like human beings exhibit the must fundamental aspects of free will of anything that we’ve found in the universe, but what is the physical nature of free will.
  • Like, is a neuron a part of a human being, or are neural pathways colonies that have an output that effects us, but are actually individual and independent in their autonomy.
  • But then you could also go the other way, and say the entire universe is one living organism.
  • Nailing down what constitutes intelligent life is something I should dig into.
  • Then does it become a universal field?
• Hive mind.
• What does it look like when time is taken out as a variable.
• Neural evolution as a tentacle through the universe.
  • A seed that grows and goes through.
• Can the universe gain consciousness?
• Can we turn the entire universe into a single brain.
• Stars as individual energy points.
• The force is a neural network?
• There was something before the big bang
• We are creating through quantum identification of paths to create a continuing universe.
• Because survival is in our person.
• And we are raw neurons in the cosmic brain.
  • That hasn’t been activated yet.
• We don’t need to know why or if it should exist.
• But we can impact it, just as surely as any force in the world can.
• We can be of a power like / of gravity. But we must activate our power.
• How do we define life?
• How do we define forces?
• What is wrong with the augmentation of technology, for example to make a universal neural network?
• A seed can climb a tree to reach the sun.
• We should use all the tools that we can ingenuate.
• We should be working towards unity, not separation.
• In our beginning there was just one.
• Energy equals energy.
• How can we fully exploit the total energy of the universe, to 100 percent?
• What could we do with this power?
• Is the big bang not the end, but the beginning?
• At the big bang it was just matter, it was gravity that began bringing things together.
• Evolution, gravity, human free will with a holy purpose?
• There is something quantum in the theory of Blockchain.
• How every record carries the whole ledger of all transactions.
• One way for quantum to work is the pre determination of all necessary scenarios to be programmed deep into the most fundamental building blocks of the universe.
• Then, with entanglement it is not about breaking the speed of light. But about synchronous revelation, and one path going one way, another the other way.
• But there is only one true path through the universe. 
• And I think this may be God.
  • (Reminder of inflation and ultimately the speed of light is not a law, but perhaps we first must understand our fishbowl before we look beyond. Or perhaps not.)
• Could plants evolve to go into space?
• Earth is becoming a seed.

18 November 2020

is this my ancient mind?

shadows of spirits

weren’t we once rays of light?

particle waves awakened

a force of energy unawakened

searching for purpose

retrograde miniature circles

around a blazing sun

every step a step backwards

every step a step forward

a cosmic purpose

let the dirt know that they will create flowers

let the flowers know that as they grow towards the sun

they create the matter that builds stars

let the stars know they have

that same infinite potential

to become black holes

that permeates human beings

we are in a quantum universe

where everything is possible

and we have in our hands

the entirety of the universe

to direct in any which way

that we choose

//

patterns of electromagentism

invisible to the naked eye

always the same pattern

north pole to south pole

a radiating force

patterns of light

the only thing our eyes see

a particle and a wave

photons firing

the weak force

the strongest force in the universe

but only active

in a one in a trillion chances

or at best once in a billion

the aggregation of diffused fuel

hiding its power

gravity as an outlier

all we can see

is that obviously it is all related

the aether the world works in

mass to gravity equalling the big bang

and its opposite

going through every dimension

the glue of the universe

traveling at the speed of light

bringing mass together

to form black holes

the ever expanding universe

an attempt to escape gravity

but what is gravity?

who is gravity?

the holy spirit

Asha

Dharma

a thread through the universe

can’t you see it?

what tells a flower to point towards the sun

what tells gravity to bring mass together

magnets to attract and repel

light to be the product of heat

heat to be the product of nuclear forces

nuclear forces to be where matter meets anti matter

the weak force stopping mutual annihalation

a universe still in darkness

all existence a point of light

in a sea of non existence

that once existed

we are an arrow from orions bow

knowing nothing more

than that we awakened

to all the forces we are a part of

not understanding

what our own force plays

our sense of determinism

free will

the most true quantum agent

yet discovered in the universe

18 September 2019

From the end of Daedalus

There hasn’t even been a lazy attempt to put it together.
-time is an illusion, its theories limit us
-we are action agents of quantum choosing, we are active in the choice of paths, even if the world fights back
-the Heisenberg uncertainty principle is broader, we change reality by the way we choose to exist
-the universe is fabricated by imagination and does not exist outside of imagination. We create the universe by imagining it
-light is a particle, a wave and an infinite strand, existing as a single moment from creation to its other. Our perception of time is just a coordinate on the river of a universal moment. (Does the same light exist in all dimensions? Is light the linking thread of the universe?)
-a human being empowered is the same as a seed blooming towards the sun or a collection of mass choosing to ignite, become a star, super nova and become a black hole

There is no power in the Congo, it is an empty throne that no one really wants, so all aspects of a state are just facade. There is no correlative, perhaps Somalia, but it is different.
You do not need to conquer the DRC, you need to control the June 31 Boulevard in Kinshasa.

The Belgians structured the road for this purpose, it is the choke point of the entire DRC. It is the river of the city. Who ever controls this boulevard controls Kinshasa, whoever controls Kinshasa wears the crown of the DRC, since it’s a meaningless title.

I would think an ideal number of soldiers to hold it would be around 500 ace (read disciplined) troops with armoured carriers, but it could be done with a fraction, re: Rwanda invasion. Kagame is a great general, but he just highlights the complete lack of any form of real soldier power. 

Note that every single thing in the DRC is for sale, 100 million dollar demands can be negotiated with the right tact (read respect and win/win perspective) down to a beer and 1,000 CDF.
Note that there are no bullets with most soldiers, they like to say Kabila keeps them, my personal hypothesis is they have been sold.

I would think a well branded revolution could succeed quite easily, perhaps incorporate the existing senate as a group of advisers with a permanent salary.

Congo feeds off of money changing hands, it is an extractionary economy that does not build value. This has to change. I would propose linking all bribes to a vehicle that is tied to long term success in the economy, so that powers that be are motivated to see the country succeed. I would also propose an immediate implementation of a clever universal basic income in a digital currency that expires and can’t leave Congo. Someone from MIT could figure it out. Finally I would propose throwing out the entire existing constitution, which is unrepareable.
The most clean path to a better Congo would be a 1789 style French revolution, but this would have a high cost of lives lost so this would be the key thing to try to nudge so that the the revolutionary burning of the existing paradigm is cleanly swept away with a minimal loss of human lives.

Note that a revolution will likely happen at some point, somewhere between today and in 100 years, revolution is the only way I see the DRC getting the fresh start it needs. Plausibly the country is conquered a dozen times by internal and external parties along the way, but I don’t see this as changing the status quo, the rationale of pillage is just too tempting, any messiah will find themselves on a cross. It would be good for the revolution to be structured to be sooner rather than later to get it over with; it would be good to be clever in how it’s done so there is a minimum loss of life; it would be good for there to be extremely concrete plans for what the goals of the revolution are and what would be the step by step roll out to transform the Democratic Republic of the Congo into a place where its citizens get the opportunity to live empowered lives.

thank you my god for this life you have given me

may I see beauty, share beauty, live beauty and revel in beauty

may I be ever better than myself, mind body and soul

my god

with your hand on mine

on the tiller of my life

may we direct me towards the most perfect version of myself

to where I can become the most positive and powerful version of myself

may I have the strength, passion, dedication, grit and discipline in my heart,

may I have the brilliance, genius clarity in my mind,

and may I have magic in my hands

so that for those people that I love

for the entire world

for myself

I can re-enchant reality

and make the world a deeper and more meaningful place

I want to take those seeds and saplings of humanity

and nurture them

so that they can grow, bloom and blossom

fighting towards the canopy of enlightenment and nirvana

I want to make the world a more level playing field

and raise where the playing field is

I want to be better than myself

better than my weakness

better than my strength

better than my humanity

may I be like a river

may I cut, displace and flood the land

but may I do it for a higher purpose

to follow the natural contours of the land

and bring a new form of sustenance to the world

please watch over all of those people that I love

may my mother have peace in her heart

may she be surrounded by grace, magic and love

and may the world be good to her

may my father have peace in his heart

may he be ever better than himself mind, body and soul

and may the world be good to him

may you watch over my brothers Reston and Tory

may they be becoming who they are meant to be in the world

and may the world be good to them

today, may I be better than myself

and not squander the moment

Reflecting on Family

When was the last time I saw Tory. I don’t remember. I know the last night, lying on his bed watching a television show eating pizza. Him nagging me, but good naturedly. I’m sure he made jokes about my hair. We were close, or at least I felt close.
Reston, did he walk with mom and me to the bus station? I can’t remember. I do remember also the last night, going to a party, were we that drunk I don’t remember. There was some outside party, people wearing costumes and I was by myself but that is not Reston’s fault. I remember being on his balcony earlier in the day, sharing some craft beer he really liked, I thought it was expensive. Beer is beer. The talking was nice, I felt pride in my brother, I’d forgotten how intelligent he was.
I can’t remember the last time I saw my father. I see him on Skype every now and then, bumbling good naturedly in the background, a cheerful HEY BEAR before getting itchy feet and going back to watching television. How did I get to the airport on that trip? Did we go together? I remember being in a restaurant with him in Goa, him telling me his fears, that he was unsure if this was the life he’d dreamed about. Interesting to hear in those we look to for advice such similar sentiments that eat at our own hearts. I remember meeting him in Dar, his plane early, him sitting on the curb like a little boy waiting for the school bus. He even had a back pack, why did I suggest that? Shit, when was the last time I saw my father? I remember taking him to my favourite dive bar, the Cambie, and watching that strange woman try to flirt with him, strange that women might flirt with my father. Should I fabricate a memory? Should I go through my photos and try to determine. How dare I not remember my own life. It has been over a year since I have seen him.
My mother is an easy memory for the last time I saw her, her voice always breaking at the very end, myself watching her go through airport security and when she is gone she is gone, was her visiting me here in Kigali just a dream?
Who else enters my mind? Jordan at Mount Rushmore, what a nice trip that was. Running with Victor in Lethbridge, Mike’s place, a family that was my family but won’t be my family again. Alexia being sweet, leaving that shitty Mexican restaurant, our hearts close together but I don’t know if they speak anymore. Pedro and me getting drunk into nothingness, the glow of being a finalist at MIT 100K. I think he walked with me the morning after to the subway, did he leave me there, at the top and watch me descend the escalator? Julia in Kampala, making sure she got on the bus, seeing her only so many hours, just enough time for her to make me feel a love for a family that is my own and still is my own but is so far away. Who else is there? Could I go on like this forever? Just meandering through my memories, pleasantly opening doors as I walk around. I remember going for a walk trying to go through my life in reverse, remembering all the different beds I had slept on in my life. I need to go to the pool, but let me open a few more doors. Lyndsay at a coffee shop trying to order concert tickets to a band I’d never heard of but now I sing karaoke to in Kigali. Amie dropping me off in her RAV4 with there being the thinnest crust of snow on the ground. My grandma waving from her window at the top of the retirement community. Guy, all I remember is there was emotion in his voice. Ceri at fucking Newark, or was that her coming? Harley on Skype yesterday wearing grandpas chain. Roberta in Toronto walking through the cold air along the water.
Let me go to the pool.

Randerson Ridge

On a big mountain looking for dinosaur bones. Swing sets in the background, I played on them but not right now. They are full anyway. Let me lift my legs mightily and reach the top and now I am here and I don’t really expect to find dinosaur bones but who knows, the world is full of mystery and every day I am experiencing novelty. Is that true? I wonder where Shaun is now, I did now know we were friends then, maybe it was not Shaun, maybe I was by myself. I walk down the back of the mountain and I don’t remember what I did next, I’d like to think I lay in the grass and floated into the blueness of a forever large sky but I doubt I cared enough. I used to like skipping, not skip rope but the way of walking. Maybe I skipped back to class as the bell rang, past all those others whose names I can remember but whose lives have disconnected from me. What was the sound of the school bell?

By Luang Prubong

Bike riding down the mud road, I am lost in my mind. The fertile green hills surround me, where am I? I am lost and that is a wonderful feeling. I know I will be found, the world is not such a large place, but for the moment let me be lost. Pedal pedal. Pedal pedal. I wonder what I was thinking about on this day? Strange that memories can be incomplete. I imagine I was a bit hungover that day, why else would I bike around for hours and hours. Where was I? Luang Prubang. Was that this life. Let me not get lost, there is something here I want to capture. The story of jumping off the water truck. I saw it from a distance, it looks like a gasoline truck. Parked half way in the water, women and men clustering in front of the little dam at the front of the lake. They are fishing? Cleaning? I can’t remember. There are these really beautiful boys jumping off the roof of the water truck, lithely climbing up the hulking frame to jog down the curver roof and leap into the water: canon ball. They are beautiful for their freedom, for their communal humanity, for the fact that they are having fun for the sake of fun and that is all the purpose they need. I remember watching them with envy: what a terrific amount of fun. Then, I remember opening in my mind a thought, unveiled to me like the mystery inside of a just bloomed flower: I am free too, why can’t I join. It’s dangerous, the water is shallow, what if there are rocks, what if I slip. Death and its specter always choking me, the shuddering fear enters my lungs. But I am free. Let me die, let me slip, fuck the world and fuck myself: let there be action, let me be my own master. I grin and I grinned. I stripped down to my underwear and the boys see me and start cheering me on. I wonder if they will steal my phone? Let them, but let me trust them, for a moment let me not be me, let me be one of them. I start climbing up the ladder to the top of the truck. It is taller than I thought, I am high up. Shit shit. Do I go to the edge and look? No. They jump, I saw them, let me just do what I need to do. I tell my feet to run and I do not think, for a moment my brain is weightless, without though. I was alive for that moment, how wonderful it was. The water embraces me and its crisp temperature reminds me for a moment of some forgotten memory. I was with my brothers, that is the only thing I know. I come back to the surface and am greeted by smiles. Not just from the boys but from all the others. I don’t mean to smile but I do, just the pleasure of life, the meaning of life, this did not have to happen but it did and I love it. I laugh for a moment. Then I get control. I put my clothes back on, give a kinda curtsy thing with another big smile, but this one just show respect, let me share my pleasure with all these others, may we enter each others heart together, then I hop on my bike and continue being lost.

Memories From The Riu Hotel

waking up in the middle of the night

grabbing a bottle of tequila

it is finished

take the vodka

still drunk

blood slurring from left to right

in the pitch black flash a smile

pour a glass and praise god

pour a glass and praise life

open the door, careful, don’t slam it

they are asleep

let this moment be without them

the dark air fills lungs

breathe in

breathe out

freedom

go outside to the music

all the other like you are in their beds

let all these be the others

see them smile at you

they know who you really are

your real brotherhood

a moment of love in your heart

ahhhh a table

and a pen and paper

you know the words will be lost

you even leave them on the table

tomorrows trash

but let, for a moment, the words flow

praise god

praise life

praise alcohol

praise sin

praise the devil

praise yourself

worship the inadequacy of the words

worship the moment

then

another glass

was it rum not vodka

was it gin

it’s all the same

go back to

go back to life

let the moment disappear

never remembered

is life different for it having happened

Sitting Outside on a Keyboard

Sitting outside type on a keyboard. The keyboard is not very good, the words don’t flutter naturally. He is sweating so much. Why?
He is not at peace but he does not know why. He has been drinking in the last night, but that is normal. He has been howling at the moon but that is normal. He is older than he was, but isn’t that true of all of us. Is he happy with his days? Maybe that’s not the question.
He is not at peace with himself. Shall that be the story? What right does anyone have for peace. Why is peace something worth fighting for, life should be without peace, mankind forced to fight and fight and fight and fight.
This man is a bit of all of us. There would be something to learn from understanding his discontent. But what sort of a story would that be? Boo hoo, a man who does not know his place in reality. What a novelty. No, he story has been said by other who are better, and even for them the words mean nothing.
The answer for this man is to live life, or to not. Each is the choice, and only our own choice to make. To wake up and say today I choose to live, then to follow through and actually live with the repercussions of that choice.
This story has no beginning, middle or end. This story is not a story. It is just a question, a question whose answer we all have the key to, but don’t want to open the door.

Sitting outside type on a keyboard. The keyboard is not very good, the words don’t flutter naturally. He is sweating so much. Why?
He is not at peace but he does not know why. He has been drinking in the last night, but that is normal. He has been howling at the moon but that is normal. He is older than he was, but isn’t that true of all of us. Is he happy with his days? Maybe that’s not the question.
He is not at peace with himself. Shall that be the story? What right does anyone have for peace. Why is peace something worth fighting for, life should be without peace, mankind forced to fight and fight and fight and fight.
This man is a bit of all of us. There would be something to learn from understanding his discontent. But what sort of a story would that be? Boo hoo, a man who does not know his place in reality. What a novelty. No, he story has been said by other who are better, and even for them the words mean nothing.
The answer for this man is to live life, or to not. Each is the choice, and only our own choice to make. To wake up and say today I choose to live, then to follow through and actually live with the repercussions of that choice.
This story has no beginning, middle or end. This story is not a story. It is just a question, a question whose answer we all have the key to, but don’t want to open the door.

A Day of Smiles

a day of smiles

grimacing cheerfully

don’t let this be like all the others

fear and grace leave these words

let there be just emtion

but specific emotion

words in a heart

heart in the words

no

that is like all the others

those things that don’lt say what need to be said

breathe in breathe out

breathe in breathe out

breathe in breathe out

the words are not these

do the words exist?

breathe in breathe out

is being alive a pleasure?

yes, yes. why not

there is no emotion

there is a bursting,

the dam does not break

is there a we in these words

if we could stare each other in the eyes

quietly

to just exist

but that is not real

not lonely, but everyone is alone

interconnectedness is not the fate of man

to search and not find

to find what is incomprehensible

bark at the night

scream at the day

all is something

let there be a primality

a free growing towards the sun

let us not understand

the words are not here

where are the words

the words are not here

what is it that needs to be said?

breathe in breathe out

whitenuckled

the words are not here

what if we never grow up

what if we never grow up

just the yardsticks keep pushing

chasing meaning

dreams always a step away

endless idealism keeping our smiles strong

we will be those things we dream of being

we will be those things we dream of being

smell that sweet rose

basking in the hot afternoon sun

the water is good

but it is still wilting

the smell does not go away,

the scent may even become stronger

but we can see how it will rot

pedals fall, pulled down by gravity

the end of its life

yet, why see it at this moment

even as a seed we new that decline was its only future

out of bloom

the pedals begin falling

yet we can also look backwards, remember the seed

time a two way path

seed to death

and death to seed

we were never going to do those things we dreamt of

we were never going to do those things we dreamt of

but life is ours, seed to death

death to seed

life mapped before  a single breath

everything predetermined

the only unknown

whether we take joy in the ride

Me

Me

Self made soulless abstraction

Fighting with vigor but no heart

All I want is to hear something that makes me sad

All I want is something that makes me smile, a smile without care

To feel

Endless control, I will stare the devil in the eye

I will stare god in the eye

A force of nature, but not by choice

An immovable statue

Solid granite in an ethereal world

Watching all these fragile dancers

Splashes of color, mutable and transient

Let us look at each other with envy

Shall we not trade?

Or is it too late?

Let me invest in my granite

May I become an ever stronger rock

But how I wish to dance

Attempts at euphony

Found again lost again found again

All in just a blink

Waking up some days in bliss

Waking up some days self loathing

Life is a trip

Everything beautiful and fun

To smell the sweet fresh air

Or look at glistening stars

From the dock on the lake

With a beer in my hand

Not those things dreamed for

Where is the nobility in quiet moments

But perhaps they are the things that should be dreamed for

What happened to childhood dreams

Then, maybe, it is good I did not become a rapper

What happened to childhood whimsy

Then, did I not teach a child to fly

Or lie to that girl about being a Baron

These musings do nothing

An unconfused mind with a dedication of purpose

Looking for something to push against

Life is imperfect

I suffer

And am sad

But no more than the other

Things are the way things are

I choose to be blissful

I choose to be peaceful

I choose to be dedicated

I choose to see beauty

If there is any other truth

Then I accept it

Then I ignore it

And I carry on as myself

brainstorm no forgiveness novella
What If there is no forgiveness
A novella
Alone in beda memory of she who isn’tA certain lonelinessTo never see each other againEvery day climbing a mountain without topA door that will not openA real lonelinessA light extinguishedAn end that came too soonAnd an another that can’t comeSoon Enough