Here I was
There where I’m not
Fantasizing about a tomorrow
That has already disappeared
I disappear
Dissolve
Cease to exist
Not all of reality
But that specter who was me
Yet is not me anymore
Delusions of the man I miss being
Those happy times
Whose misery is buried
Ground lost to the cleansing snow of memory
The only thing I see
Is what I choose to remember
And what I remember
Was the beauty of roses past
When now I am in an unknown season
Life changes
Chapters change, begin, end, and are skipped
Here where I am
At this very moment
There is the looking back to what has already happened
Those lips touched
Conversations shared
Eyes caught, and, then let go
They were not me
The me who is here
Where I am
He was born today
Will die tomorrow
Sleep taking most of what he offers
And alcohol taking the rest
With maybe a few minutes of beauty
Not macabre
Just the soft reality
Of my disappearance
When I dream of tomorrow
I weep
I can fantasize such glorious creations
Myself the man I dare not even dream to be
But no matter the wonder that might await
It comes at the expense of this moment
Not a squandered moment, never
Rather, the realization that this present combustion
So powerful
So right
So ephemeral
It is going to disappear
There was an argument
A very bad argument
Between myself and another
And words were said that should not be said
And I wish to never hear them again
Yet
Now
Inside my memories
That argument
So long ago
I miss it
What I would give for it to happen again
Today
Tomorrow
Forever
That tombstone to a time that is no longer here
That last flash of light
Before the complete eclipse
My lover
My life
The one who doesn’t exist
At least not anymore
What was I to you?
I remember the days
Where you would wake me
By just staring
Waiting to catch my eye at initial consciousness
Knowing how wonderful for me
After a harrowing night of horrible dreams
To wake seeing your peaceful face
It has disappeared
And this is ok
I forgive you, if you can forgive me
That is not what eats on my tranquility
No
What turns me, a proud man
Into a writhing mess, not even human
What it is
Is I never asked you what you thought when you stared at me
And now,
Because that time is no longer
And even if I was to ask you
You wouldn’t be able to give me truth
Because that time
It has disappeared
Yes, I mourn
Yet now, I am here in the moment
Something beautiful
Something special
So much like those past days
Entirely different
With this unifying thread of constant bliss
Universal perfection
A man is not a this or that
But a compendium
A universe
Encompassing Everything
I am at bliss
I hope for bliss tomorrow
Yet
Yet
Yet
There were other times
Other times that filled my soul
The bliss of yesterday
And as I lose it
As I forget it
I still remember
Lovingly
Those last shards I still have
Before they, to, disappear